


Mutant Equality Day

by heyjupiter



Category: Parks and Recreation, X-Men: First Class (2011) - Fandom
Genre: AU, Bacon, Crossover, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-03
Updated: 2011-10-03
Packaged: 2017-10-24 06:29:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/260160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heyjupiter/pseuds/heyjupiter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><em>"Lovely to meet you, Ms. Knope. I'm Charles Xavier, and this is Erik Lehnsherr. We would like to organize a rally for Mutant Equality Day in Pawnee."</em></p><p><em>"That's great! We love mutants in Pawnee! Don't we, Ron? Mutants are so great!"</em></p>
            </blockquote>





	Mutant Equality Day

**Author's Note:**

  * For [pocky_slash](https://archiveofourown.org/users/pocky_slash/gifts).



Ron Swanson was happily sitting at his desk perusing the latest Steamboat Meat & Seafood mail order catalog when he heard a knock on his door. This was rare; the only person who ever visited his office was Leslie Knope, and she generally barged right in. He looked up from his catalog and realized that April was no longer at her desk. Grudgingly, Ron stood up and opened his door. He found April with a curiously glazed look in her eyes--even more glazed than normal.

"Ron, your nine o'clock appointment is here," she said.

"My _what_?" he asked. He really thought that she had learned her lesson about letting people schedule appointments with him. Ron _hated_ it when people had appointments with him. The whole reason he had hired April was to prevent people from making appointments with him.

She shrugged and gestured to two men standing behind her. One was tall and sharp-looking, wearing a black leather jacket and a smirk. The other man was smaller and more dainty looking. He was dressed like some kind of professor or librarian, which put Ron on edge.

"Hello," the smaller man said, extending a hand. "I'm Charles Xavier."

Great. Ron had an appointment with _British guys_? This was the worst. Ron grudgingly shook Xavier's hand and said, "Ron Swanson. What exactly is this meeting about?"

The taller man opened a briefcase and handed Ron a carbon copy. Ron glanced at it. It was a request for a permit to hold a rally in Circle Park. It had been stamped "denied." Ron denied all requests for rallies. He hated them.

"Why don't we talk about this in your office?" Xavier asked with a polite smile. Ron found himself inviting the two men into his office, even letting them sit on his good chairs.

Before he shut the door, he called, "April, why don't you get Leslie in here?"

"Leslie! Ron wants you!" April yelled across the office.

Leslie happily bounded into Ron's office. "Hey Ron. Hey guys. What's going on?"

"Our permit request was denied, and we were hoping to appeal that decision," Xavier said.

"Yes. We would _so_ prefer to keep things aboveboard," the other man said. "It would be _such_ a shame if we had to hold our rally without official permission."

"Well, let's see your application!" Leslie said. "I mean, I'm sure it wasn't denied because you're gay, if that's what you're thinking."

"Excuse me?" the man in the leather jacket said.

"Oh, no, I'm sorry, is it queer? Do you prefer queer?" Leslie sounded pained.

"I prefer that you mind your own business, actually," the man in the leather jacket said.

" _Erik_ ," Xavier said, in a warning tone. He handed the permit to Leslie. "So sorry, I seem to have missed your name, Ms....?"

"Ms. Knope. Leslie Knope. I'm the Deputy Director of the Pawnee City Department of Parks and Recreation."

"Lovely to meet you, Ms. Knope. I'm Charles Xavier, and this is Erik Lehnsherr. We would like to organize a rally for Mutant Equality Day in Pawnee."

"That's great! We love mutants in Pawnee! Don't we, Ron? Mutants are so great!"

"Whatever," Ron said.

"Well, let me just see here," Leslie said, scanning the permit. "Oh, I see. You guys are from out of state. The permit actually has to be filed by a citizen of Pawnee."

"It doesn't say that anywhere on the form," Charles said.

"Well, Pawnee parks are paid for by Pawnee taxes, you know," Leslie said. "It wouldn't do to let you New Yorkers come in and use up all our parks!"

"Well, we are looking into purchasing some land in the area," Charles said.

"Really? You want to move from New York to Pawnee?" Leslie asked.

"We certainly do not," Erik muttered.

"We're thinking about opening a private school here," Charles clarified.

"But Pawnee has great public schools!" Leslie said. "Indiana has the 20th highest test scores in the country!"

"Indeed," Erik said.

"I'm sure Pawnee has lovely public schools," Charles said. "But you see, in New York, I am the headmaster of a private school for mutants. We're looking into starting a new campus in the Midwest. Not all parents are willing to send their children so far from home, you know. And so we thought we would test the waters, so to speak, with this rally in Pawnee. Just to see what public reaction to mutant rights is, maybe get involved with the local mutant community."

Ron snorted. "The local mutant community is two guys down at the Snakehole Lounge."

"What? Who?" Leslie asked.

"The one with the pointy ears and his boyfriend."

"What? Rick and Josh? I just thought they were Star Trek geeks!"

Ron shook his head, and Charles continued, patiently, "Well, all the more reason for us to hold this rally, then. To try to unite the local mutant community. Perhaps to encourage them to live more openly."

Ron shrugged. "That all sounds great, but like Leslie said, only Pawnee residents can request park permits. You'll have to host your Free To Be You and Me Fest someplace else."

Erik narrowed his eyes and Ron's stapler floated a few inches off his desk.

" _Erik!_ " Charles said, elbowing his partner.

The stapler dropped back down to his desk, but Erik continued to glare.

"I see. And there's nothing we could do to change your mind? No exceptions that could be made, for example, to a donor to the Pawnee Parks Department?" Charles asked smoothly.

"Are you trying to _bribe_ us?" Leslie asked, shocked.

"No, no, nothing like that!" Charles exclaimed. "But, as I said, Erik and I are considering becoming part of the Pawnee community. It would only be fair that we contribute something to the city. Since, as you say, to date we have paid no taxes to Pawnee."

Leslie bit her lip. "Did you just do that thing with the stapler?" she asked Erik.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Erik said.

Charles sighed. "Yes, he did. But he truly wouldn't have hurt anyone with it."

"Well..." Leslie said. "What exactly are your abilities?"

"I can manipulate metal," Erik said.

Leslie actually stroked her chin thoughtfully before she said, "Hmm... well, like I said, we could not accept a bribe. But a lot of the swingsets and park equipment in town are really starting to show their age... they're rusted clean through in places! It's getting to be unsafe, and we just don't have the money to replace them. If you could... fix them... we would look upon your hours of community service quite favorably when considering the appeal to your request for a park permit."

Erik rolled his eyes. "I'm sure I can fix your broken swingsets for you, yes."

"Oh, excellent!" Charles said, clapping his hands. "And truly, what a wonderful way to showcase a positive use of mutant abilities!"

"Whatever," Erik and Ron said in unison. They met eyes and shared a hint of a smile.

"Well, let's go right now!" Leslie said. "I'll take you around in our official Pawnee Park District minivan!"

"Leslie, the van's still in the stop," Ron said. "After... you know."

"Oh. _Still_?" she asked. Ron shrugged, and Leslie said, "Fine. I'll take you around in the Pawnee Park District Deputy Director's Honda Civic."

Erik rolled his eyes again, and Ron understood completely. But Charles smiled broadly and said, "That sounds perfect."

Three hours later, the trio returned to the Parks Department offices. Leslie and Charles were deep in a passionate conversation and Erik looked extremely bored. He sat down at the conference table and started perusing the 2011 Parks Department catalog. Tom took a seat next to him and said, "Hey, I heard you're from New York!"

Erik nodded without looking up from the catalog.

"Sweet jacket, man. Is that what people are wearing in New York? Like a retro thing? Do you think I could rock a leather jacket?"

"I have no idea what _people_ are wearing in New York," Erik said. "This is what _I_ am wearing."

"I feel that, bro," Tom said, nodding vigorously.

"Erik?" Charles called. "Leslie and I are going to her office to work out the details of the rally. Would you care to join us?"

Erik shrugged. "I'm sure you're perfectly capable of handling it, Charles."

"All right! Well, if you change your mind, we'll just be in Leslie's office," Charles said.

"Fine," Erik said. He put down the park catalog and pulled out his iPhone.

"Sweet phone! Is that a 4G? Do you play Angry Birds?" Tom asked.

"I do not," Erik replied, tapping away at his screen.

"That game is baller! You should totally check it out," Tom said. "I have three stars on like, every level. Basically."

"What an astonishing accomplishment," Erik said.

"I _know_!"

Ron had heard enough. "Erik, what are your plans for lunch?"

"Charles and I will probably grab something on our way out of town," Erik replied.

Ron shook his head. "I saw the glint in Leslie's eyes. They're going to be in that office for two hours _minimum_. You want to come out to lunch with me? Not, I mean, not like a date."

"That sounds wicked, Ron!" Tom said. "We can totally go to the new House of Sushi!"

"I don't eat sushi in landlocked states," Erik said.

"I don't eat sushi, period," Ron said. "No, we'll go someplace better. Tom, you're not invited."

"That sounds great," Erik said quickly.

"Whatever," Tom muttered. "I'll just call up some of my awesome friends to meet me for some funky fresh fish."

"Great idea, Tom," Ron said. Erik tucked his phone back into his pocket and followed Ron out to the parking lot. "I'll drive," Ron said. He took Erik to his favorite restaurant, Joe's Burgers. "They have one pound burgers here, Erik. With bacon on top. It's amazing."

Inside Joe's, they're ushered to a prime booth. "Hey fellas. Ron, your usual?" their waitress Trish asked.

"You know how I like 'em!"

"Rare, with extra extra extra bacon and bacon on the side!" Trish said, sing-songily.

"That's my girl."

"And what can I get for you?" Trish asked Erik.

"Ah..." Erik scanned the menu. "I'll have a grilled chicken sandwich. No cheese or bacon."

"You sure? The cheese and bacon are included in the price of the sandwich."

"You... you don't want your bacon?" Ron asked.

"I'm Jewish," Erik said. "I don't eat pork." Ron stared at Erik, wide-eyed. "Is that a problem?" Erik finally asked.

"No, just... Trish, could you give me his bacon?"

"Sure thing, sweetie," Trish said.

"Also, could I get a salad instead of fries?" Erik asked.

Trish raised her eyebrows. "You on a diet, hon? You don't need to lose weight, you know! I'd kill to be your size."

"I simply enjoy eating vegetables," Erik said.

"Suit yourself," Trish said, making a note on her pad.

"Dressing on the side, please," Erik said. Trish bit her lip and made another note before bustling off to the kitchen.

"Well, that's something you don't hear every day," Ron said. "So you've never eaten pork?"

"I never have. Not intentionally, anyway--once I mistakenly took a bite of a ham sandwich," Erik said, with a delicate shudder.

"And... and you're okay with this?" Ron asked.

"It was an accident," Erik said. "But I've never gotten food from that deli again."

"I mean, you're okay with never eating pork?"

"It's my religion," Erik said with a shrug.

"I'll be damned," Ron said.

"Probably."

Ron stared at Erik for several seconds before deciding that it was meant to be a joke, and laughing accordingly.

"Ron, I have a question for you," Erik said.

"Yeah?"

"Is Leslie always like that?"

Ron shook his head. "You should see her when she has some sugar in her! She's a good worker, though. Very dedicated to the parks."

"I can tell."

"What about Charles? Is he always so... cheerful?"

Erik snorted. "I don't think there's any power on earth that could keep Charles from being cheerful."

"And that doesn't get old?"

"It does. But he makes up for it in other ways. He's very skilled at organizing people, for example. Very dedicated to the mutant rights cause."

Ron nodded. His eyes lit up when Trish returned with their food. He happily dug into his burger, rolling his eyes when Erik asked for Dijon mustard for his sandwich.

"Uh... we have honey mustard. Is that the same?" Trish asked.

"... I suppose honey mustard will suffice," Erik said.

"I'll be right back with that, then."

Ron rejected condiments on burgers as a general principle. He believed they detracted from the flavor of the bacon and the beef. Maybe if he couldn't eat bacon, he'd turn to mustard, though. He wondered if Erik had considered converting to a different religion, one with fewer rules about food. Trish came back with a single packet of honey mustard, which Erik accepted with a regal nod. He applied it to his sandwich with care.

"So you're thinking about opening a school for mutants in Pawnee?" Ron asked.

Erik shrugged. "Perhaps. I... am not optimistic about the prospect, but I do agree with Charles that another campus would be beneficial."

"That kinda thing might go over better in Indianapolis or someplace. Bloomington, maybe. I mean, not that I give two shakes about mutants in Pawnee. But there's some that do."

"How very open-minded of you," Erik said.

"Look, I'm no bigot," Ron said. "I think mutants pretty much just want to be left alone, and I can 100% relate to that. I'm just saying, it might be easier for you guys in a bigger city."

"The best path isn't always the easiest," Erik said.

Ron nodded thoughtfully while licking bacon grease off his fingers. "I respect that."

"So. What is there to do in Pawnee, Indiana, then?" Erik asked.

Ron considered for a moment before replying, "Pretty good hunting. Can I ask you a question?"

"You may."

"You can move metal with your mind?"

"Essentially, yes."

"So, I mean... say you were in a parking lot and all the good spaces were full. Could you just move one of the other cars to the back of the lot and take that spot?"

"Theoretically I could do so."

"You are so lucky."

"Yes, I suppose I am."

Unbidden, Trish brings them both coffee after clearing their plates away. They sit and drink it while Ron fills Erik in on relevant Pawnee gossip, including Tom Haverford's origin story. Finally, Ron says, "I suppose we'd better be getting back to the office. Leslie's kind of a nag about keeping our lunch hours to be around an actual hour."

"Aren't you Leslie's boss?"

"Well, yes, but she's just so... persistent."

"I understand," Erik said. "Back to the office, then."

Ron wanted to ask Erik to show off his car-moving ability, but he suspected the request might not go over so well. And anyway, Ron had a designated parking spot. Back in the office, Leslie and Charles greeted Ron and Erik with huge, enthusiastic smiles. They both started chatting away, talking eagerly over each other.

"Ron, Charles can _read minds_ and it's the coolest thing ever--"

"--Erik, Leslie knows some people and she might have a lead on an appropriate house for our school, just outside of town--"

"--and there's going to be a band at the rally and they have their own PA system--"

"--corn syrup--"

Erik smiled gently. "Let's take this one step at a time, all right?"

"Of course, of course," Charles said. "I'm just so thrilled that things are going so well."

"I'm so excited for the Mutant Equality Day Rally!" Leslie said. "There's going to be a whole segment about it on Pawnee Today next week!"

"What?" Erik asked.

"Pawnee Today," Charles said. "It's the biggest local news program in Pawnee!"

"Oh. How wonderful," Erik said, trying moderately hard not to sound sarcastic.

"I know!" Charles said. "Anyway, I suppose we'd better let you all get back to work. Thank you so much for all your help, Leslie. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it."

"Oh! Just doing my job," Leslie said, with a dismissive handwave. "But we'll talk on Monday to finalize plans for the rally."

"Perfect," Charles said.

Erik said, "It was nice to meet you both."

"You, too," Ron said. "Thanks for the bacon."

"Any time," Erik said, and meant it.


End file.
